I stood leaning into you as my tears soaked your mane. I knew if I laid it all out for you that you would not judge me you would take my sorrow and my rage into you and hold me in your space. My heart was empty I had no love for myself let alone for anyone else I was a shell with nothing left to give. I had just had my second beautiful daughter and I knew in my conscious brain she was wonderful and that I loved her but I couldn’t find it in my heart. I couldn’t find the joy, the pure love between newborn and mom. My pregnancy had been a rollercoaster of being sick coupled with caring for my toddler. My birth story was one of trauma and it seemed that I just couldn’t find the happiness in this new life I had brought into the world. I became filled with regret that I had brought this tiny soul into a home where her own mother couldn’t be happy. I didn’t see how I was supposed to get to the other side of this? How was I supposed to get past this. I often found myself in my sanctuary … my barn with my horses and sheep.
My gelding had always been my place to find peace in myself. I don’t know how many times I walked out to the barn to tell him how alone I felt in a house full of people. To tell him how I didn’t know how to move on. To ask him if my family would move on without me and be happier for it. I asked him so many times to take care of my girls and my husband but looking into his eyes I just couldn’t leave. Its as though he was telling me that his heart was big enough to love them until I could as if he knew I had to learn to love myself again before I could love my family.
This is my story of survival and let me tell you it wasn’t easy. I found healing in my barn through the animals that live there and peace through yoga, meditation, and oils.
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