As I sit in the hall crying into my dog’s fur I grieve. Although I will grieve for you always and some days deeply I know that with an end also comes a new beginning.
The first years of motherhood no one tells you about the grief, grief of the person that you were before you were responsible for another human. It will I am sure compare by no means to mothers that loose their child however the feeling of loosing one’s self is a feeling of grief in its own. I love my nugget dearly and fiercely but I also at times wish for times that were easier. I was prepared for the poopy diapers, the all nighters, and the crying among other things that I read about to feel oh so prepared for my little ones arrival. I was however not prepared to loose myself when she arrived.
Before I had my little one I had so many dreams, so many plans for what my life would look like and that didn’t all end when she was born but that train was definitely derailed. It has taken me almost the whole first year of my little girls life to come to terms with the choices I would have to make. Smaller dreams and different goals downsizing what I had in mind for my life was not easy.
I read a lot of mommy blogs and yes there are some that talk about the not so amazing parts of being a mom but not as many as there should be. I am here to tell you without judgement that this is the hardest job anyone could ask you to. I am rewarded with giggles, hugs and kisses and a love for my daughter so deep it hurts but some days I still find it hard to see past the grief I have for the life I feel that was lost to me.
Dreams are fluid they change with you, changing through the seasons of your life. Choose the dreams that mean the most to you and hold onto those dreams. Pursue the dreams that keep you up at night with unrelenting persistence. I have learned that although my dreams have changed sharing them with my daughter has brought a new kind of joy. I am still learning to find the balance in life with myself my family and life in general.
Donna Ball said “Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” I urge every mother out there that struggles at times with motherhood and the feeling of being swamped or feeling other than joy … this is normal. Find someone to talk to and support you someone that you can be honest with and tell them the truth. I am eternally grateful for my loving husband who I can go to and tell anything to.
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