Updates from Kimberly Cacia

From the moment I got up this morning until this moment I have been juggling.   I’m watching the kids, doing chores in the barn, answering messages and emails and watching the puppy as well.   Somehow the puppy gets stung in the ear and I don’t notice because I can’t find

I was reminiscing through my photos on my phone and I came across Olive's happy face and remembered this gold nugget of a blog post from the farm blog.  I love the memories my children are growing up with!

My cats are pretty good mousers which I normally think is excellent, today not so much. I knew he had one cornered and he normally eats them. What made today different is he had in fact just eaten breakfast so wasn’t super hungry. I heard quite a bit of ruckus coming from the kitchen followed by the patter of feet’s running towards the living room. Now if I was more awake I would have realized what was coming I however just sat here like a statue. Snugs (the cat) in an effort not to loose his prize was making a b-line for the living room. Our living room is fenced off for the baby so the dogs don’t run her over. Snuggle pants saw this as an ideal place to play with his very much undead mouse. The cat made it over the fence and I was able to wake up enough before olive our Aussie came flying over the fence after him. Well I thought phew crisis averted until I turned around and to my horror my kid was headed straight for the rodent. I made a dive for the mouse at the same time as my kid. The cat seeing his life flash before his eyes disappeared behind the couch. I am sure that as I snatched that mouse off the floor just moments before my dear sweet child it was relieved thinking it might just be saved. Not so poor creature. This mouse must have had a opossum as a distant cousin because he was quite clearly not as bad off as he made out to be. As soon as I had him he came quite alive which scared the living daylights out of me resulting in me flinging the creature into the dining room. As I saw the mouse flying through the air I realized the it was headed straight for olive. Like a champ this is the one time she catches something that I throw instead of it so gracefully and ladylike having it bounce off her face. Well no amount of me saying leave it or drop it would have saved that critter. As olive puts it possession is 9/10 of the law so she caught it’s hers making her only 10% naughty. Down the hatch that mouse was gone and I’m sure Snugglepants is still behind the couch planning his revenge.

There are three dogs running through the house, two toddlers chasing them while singing in their outside voices and I'm sitting over here trying to find peace within myself.  The days that are filled with chaos are usually filled with the most joy for my children but for me more often than not bring me anxiety and I find myself want to withdraw within myself.  I want to be able to be there to not only watch my children's joy in life but to also be able to participate with them.  I find myself repeating my positive affirmations and applying oils to help me remember that my rising anxiety does not control me. 

Grab my free guide to the Power of Positive Thought with my favorite Affirmations here.

As I sit in the hall crying into my dog’s fur I grieve.  Although I will grieve for you always and some days deeply I know that with an end also comes a new beginning.  

                

The first years of motherhood no one tells you about the grief, grief of the person that you were before you were responsible for another human.  It will I am sure compare by no means to mothers that loose their child however the feeling of loosing one’s self is a feeling of grief in its own.  I love my nugget dearly and fiercely but I also at times wish for times that were easier.  I was prepared for the poopy diapers, the all nighters, and the crying among other things that I read about to feel oh so prepared for my little ones arrival.  I was however not prepared to loose myself when she arrived.

               

Before I had my little one I had so many dreams, so many plans for what my life would look like and that didn’t all end when she was born but that train was definitely derailed.  It has taken me almost the whole first year of my little girls life to come to terms with the choices I would have to make.  Smaller dreams and different goals downsizing what I had in mind for my life was not easy.

                

I read a lot of mommy blogs and yes there are some that talk about the not so amazing parts of being a mom but not as many as there should be.  I am here to tell you without judgement that this is the hardest job anyone could ask you to.  I am rewarded with giggles, hugs and kisses and a love for my daughter so deep it hurts but some days I still find it hard to see past the grief I have for the life I feel that was lost to me.  

                

Dreams are fluid they change with you, changing through the seasons of your life.  Choose the dreams that mean the most to you and hold onto those dreams.  Pursue the dreams that keep you up at night with unrelenting persistence.  I have learned that although my dreams have changed sharing them with my daughter has brought a new kind of joy.  I am still learning to find the balance in life with myself my family and life in general.   

Donna Ball said “Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.”  I urge every mother out there that struggles at times with motherhood and the feeling of being swamped or feeling other than joy … this is normal.  Find someone to talk to and support you someone that you can be honest with and tell them the truth.  I am eternally grateful for my loving husband who I can go to and tell anything to.

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